Rick Miller, the founder and head of Gay Sons and Mothers, delivered a sold out standing room only TedX talk in Provincetown, Massachusetts on June 17, 2022.

Miller’s talk was inspired by his work with Gay Sons and Mothers, an oral history project where he has been interviewing a cross-section of gay men and their mothers about their relationships. Since many of the issues he was uncovering could apply to a larger population, he created this talk that addresses anyone who has a mother or is one.

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The question that Miller so adroitly addresses is why as gay men, are our mothers’  so central to our lives, even as adults?

Miller, an LISCW has interviewed hundreds of mothers and sons of all ages, cultures, and ethnicities in his mission to help people repair or deepen this universal bond which has influenced their lives so deeply. In this talk, Rick shares his perspective on relationships between adult children and their mothers.

A psychotherapist in private practice, Miller is host of the Secrets of the Masters video series, founder and executive director of Gay Sons And Mothers, and co-host of the podcast Modern Couples: What Your Therapist Never Told You.

His TEDx talk, The Mother Factor, grew out of his work with Gay Sons and Mothers, which collects, celebrates, and shares worldwide narratives of gay men and their mothers to support LGBT training and awareness. Miller hopes that this work will enrich myriad diverse communities, and enable rapprochement, understanding, and healing.

A frequent speaker at conferences both academic and professional, Miller is also the author of Unwrapped: Integrative Therapy with Gay Men and Mindfulness Tools for Gay Men in Therapy, and writes a regular column for Psychology Today.

This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by the local community.

Watch the talk on YouTube below and you can read the full transcript below the video.

Full transcript of Miller’s speech:

The Mother Factor: Acceptance Works Both Ways

Mommy Loves Me Best!

This was a source of indescribable power with my siblings while growing up.Knowing I was her favorite helped ease the challenges of growing up different -because I was gay. Even in my 60s, it still feels good!

When people hear the word mother, everyone has a gut reaction! So take a moment and imagine your mother: what does she mean to you?

I have been a psychotherapist hearing about moms for 39 years. According to my calculations, that totals 8,000 hours of mother talk!

I’ve heard mothers described in every possible way: superhero, role model, broken, or monster. And when I share that I’m leading a project involving mother acceptance, everyone has a laugh, or a loaded story… and most mothers thank me!

So, why is a mother’s role still so central to each of us, even as adults? Because regardless of your age or your experience, your mom is still your mother and what she could have have done differently remains front and center.

My suggestion is that you appreciate how your mother is far more than just your mother. She is a whole person who possesses both strengths and vulnerabilities.

While sitting with my gay clients, I was always curious about the special bond they had with their mothers.

Like Sammy, who came out in high school just four years ago, but only to his mother, swearing her to secrecy.

Or Jack, whose mother refuses to speak to him and blames him for bringing his struggles on himself.Yet he still yearns for a hug or an acknowledgement from her.

Or Bill, whose mother knew he was bullied at age nine, over 30 years ago, and took charge by moving their entire family to a new house in a different school system, without even running it by her husband.

I was inspired by the power of these stories and wanted to understand more. When I looked at the literature, though, there was barely anything out there… just one short article and a blog entry!

Why was such an important topic overlooked?

And why was this significant relationship between a mother and her gay son pathologized?

So I founded a nonprofit, Gay Sons and Mothers, to explore and define how this bond influences people’s lives. I have interviewed and recorded hundreds of mothers and sons of all ages, cultures and ethnicities.

But first a couple of points:

If you are sitting here in the audience and think, “I am not gay, so this won’t be relevant for me, think twice!! What I discovered will help all of you to create a better relationship with your mother -no matter your gender or identity.

Also, life doesn’t always deliver perfect scenarios. If you’re unable to view your mother from a positive perspective, of course this is your privilege—but consider trying.

And, when we look at moms from a cross-cultural perspective, we see that her role transcends everything. Mom is universal, she is a central force across cultures and ethnicities, and serves as a hub for the entire family.

Back to my findings. This may not seem like a big deal to you, but keep in mind that nobody has done extensive research on this topic before!

• A mother is the person who has the greatest impact on her gay sons psychological well-being. The main trait in healthy gay men is that they had mothers who just accepted him and let him be who he wanted to be. If that meant playing hopscotch or loving to wear glitter, she didn’t stop him.

• Up until the mid to late ‘70s, the medical and mental-health communities blamed mothers for “making their sons gay.” Imagine how a mother felt receiving these messages from her husband, doctor, or clergy.

(Let me share a poignant moment I experienced during an interview that says so much about this. Sally, who raised her son in the late ‘60s, said, “You know, David and I really were best friends. But, I worried: did I love him too much, or not enough? All I really needed was someone to say to me, you are doing just fine. But it never happened.”)

• You’d think mothers wouldn’t accept their sons for being different, yet there were many accepting mothers who simply ignored what they were being told- and privately followed their own intuition.

• When a mother is supportive of her gay child, magic happens. Their bond is frequentlyprivate, unspoken, and even unrecognized, while they bothexperience a sense of togetherness.

Because she is attuned to his being different and feels compelled to protect him, while he is grateful for being allowed to be himself, and for sharing common interests.

Here you have it! This is the powerful bond that nobody has fully recognized until now!

I can attest. As I think about my own mother, I realize how fortunate I was. In her quiet way, she let me be me.

She never stopped me from doing the things I loved to do, like breaking into my sisters’ Barbie dolls and accessorizing endlessly, things she wouldn’t have necessarily chosen for her son!

She even took advantage of my special talents, like relying on my expertise in choosing the perfect outfit for a night out, never questioning my choices.

Her acceptance saved me. It allowed me to thrive in a world that had previously been cruel to me. This great news has shown up in numerous interviews that I have conducted and gay men like these have grown up making incredible contributions to our world! Frequently the first people they credit are their mothers. Thank you mothers, thank you sons!

Now, let’s bring these lessons to a larger audience.(I told you there would be something here for you.)

The very people who have been marginalized and ostracized, gay sons,are now playing a role in helping everyone in being able to affirm their moms!

HOW?

• First, step out of viewing your mother just as your mom. Instead recognize that she is a whole person and give her the acceptance she deserves. Instead of focusing on her weaknesses or what she didn’t do, also focus on her strengths and what she did well.

• Then, appreciate that she grew up in her own imperfect world, in a family system with vulnerabilities that existed long before you were even born.

• And recognize that how your mother was parented became the model of how she parented you. Maybe she did the best she could!

Let’s go on a little journey:

Go inside and find a moment of connection that you had between you and your mother. When was it? Where were you? How old were you? What was it like for you then?And what is it like for you now? Just feel it. Anchor this memory deep inside to remind you that your mother could be connected and warm, even if it wasn’t as often as you would have liked.

Here is the thing…

• If you want to be fully appreciative of your mother, do your best to let go of your grudges.
• If your mother is still alive, and you both have the opportunity to speak to each other about your experiences, why not do so while you can?
• And if she is no longer alive, remember, your relationship continues inside… there’s no expiration date on acceptance or forgiveness!

In an ideal world, mothers are seen as the emancipators, but now it is up to you- to turn the tables and emancipate her.

If you can reach this goal, it will change everything!

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