Gay Sons and Mothers: 10 Tips To Help Your Family and Friends Come Out
Share
The folks over at Gay Sons and Mothers have chatted with and supported various people who felt alone through their own coming-out journey, or in learning of a family member who has just come out. Appreciate that many people have dealt with these issues before you, and these tips are from their wisdom and can be a guide to your process.
View this post on Instagram
Tips for those who are coming out or considering coming out
1) You are not alone
It may feel like you are the only person enduring what you’re going through. Feeling alone, different, anxious, and even suicidal, are just a few common responses.
It’s likely you aren’t even the only person in your neighborhood, school, or church community who has come out. Take comfort in knowing others have gone through this before you, that many are in the same process of coming out right now, and that there will be many in the future coming out after you. In fact, someday, you may end up being a mentor or role model to someone struggling just like you are right now!
2) Seek out supports
There are places and people to support you. Find open-minded individuals and groups to love and support you. Frequently people find an accepting family member, like a sibling, cousin, or aunt/uncle. Or seek out a support group, either nearby or online; there are so many, you can find just the right one for you. For some people, the best option may be finding a parental figure who is accepting.
3) Visit your future self
Whether it be via letter or meditation, use your imagination to jump ahead in time to a moment when you have fully embraced coming out and have a multitude of friends and support in your life—think ahead to a year or two from now. Appreciate how much has changed over time and how it feels to be in this place. Hold on to this image and feeling for hope and inspiration!
4) Allow your family time to digest this
By the time many people come out to their families, they’ve had time and support in finding the necessary courage, and so they expect others to instantly adapt and support them. Recognize that your family is going through its own adjustment period. People will adapt, but they need time and space, not pressure. Giving them time to process through their own grief is a wonderful gift.
5) Find role models
Since you aren’t the first person to come out, why not find somebody further along, who understands exactly what you’re feeling and can share their experiences, someone to encourage or coach you along. If that person isn’t available, finding a supportive psychotherapist who works with LGBTQIA clients can be the model who will help you.
View this post on Instagram
Tips for mothers, parents or family members of someone coming out.
View this post on Instagram
1) Grief is inevitable
No matter how accepting (or shocked) you are, the vision of who you expected your child to be has now changed. Allow yourself the time you may need to adapt, shift your expectations, and trust that over time you will be able to accept a newer version of exactly who your child is now.
2) Seek out supports
Find other parents who have struggled with similar issues and lean on them for their wisdom and to learn from their experiences. There’s no need for you to go through this alone! Seek out local support if you feel comfortable, but if you can’t find groups (or want to remain anonymous), consider finding groups online.
3) Educate yourself
The best way to understand and accept having a LGBTQIA child is to educate yourself—but not through your child! Even if they would be the fastest or most direct place to get information, seeking out information on your own and educating yourself alone is a great sign that you’re committed to growth—and it gives your child a loving message. You will find many answers to your questions and appreciate that your discomfort is something that others have experienced as well, which is always a relief.
4) Visit your future self
Though it may seem unimaginable, jump forward in time to a moment when you have been able to become more accepting and supportive, like a few months down the road or so. From this vantage point, write your current grieving self a letter, or do something similar via mediation. You will be surprised at how comforted you can feel and appreciate the possibility of adaptability.
5) Access Empathy
Sometimes the biggest gift a parent can give to their child who is coming out is making it clear you understand the struggles they’re experiencing, even if it’s taking you time to adapt. Even if your child is experiencing disappointment around your family’s reaction to their news, it’s a relief to know the family has an awareness of their struggles.
View this post on Instagram
