The Butt Fuck Logic of Billy Eichner and Chocolates Is Why Bros Failed

Billy Eichner should be ashamed of himself.

Too many words have been published about this–terrible isn’t accurate enough–it feels like you’ve been kidnapped by terrorists… it’s that bad.

Eichner is a terrorist.

But I also want to know what the fuck is wrong with all the executives, critics, actors who participated… the list is long. The only thing that actually makes sense is it’s a Producers type scam (the one written by Mel Brooks) where a flop actually makes Universal money because of the numbers… I have no idea, I was never good at finance. I also lamented writing anything as the market seems to have spoken but I’ll say this: the phrase “butt fuck” which is used one time too many in this awful excuse for a moving picture should never be used in proximity to the word chocolates… it doesn’t create great visuals.

And yes, this is central to the plot such as it is… see Luke McFarlane’s character is damaged because as a little gay boy he wanted to make Godiva chocolates for the boy he had a crush on and when found out he’s forced into the closet… that’s why Eichner’s “character” can’t be with him.

Thankfully I found a review from a person with a brain, Isaac Grafstein at Common Sense, so I’ll quote liberally from his short public service announcement “Why Bros. bombed: The exact right number of people saw the gay romcom.”

The film follows Eichner’s character, Bobby, a mouthy podcaster opening up an LGBTQ museum (cringe) and his relationship with Aaron, a chiseled lawyer with a penchant for group sex portrayed by Luke Macfarlane. (I won’t complain.) The two meet-cute in a nightclub and then must navigate the complex world of gay relationships, commitment issues and insecurities.

There are moments when Bros is funny—a self-deprecating lampoon of gay life. But mostly it’s a preachy, self-indulgent dumpster fire. At one point, Bobby harangues Aaron’s mother about the need to teach her second-grade students about queer history. The two long hours are replete with partisan finger-wagging, lamentations about erasure, and performative apologies from Bobby for being a “cis white guy.” Half of this alleged comedy is devoted to Bobby’s cranky monologues.

Turns out, I’m not the only one who felt this way: the romcom flopped opening weekend, earning $4.8 million, “about 40 percent less than the low end of prerelease analyst expectations,” according to the New York Times. Alas, Eichner blamed dismal box-office sales, in a now-deleted Twitter tirade, on “homophobic weirdo” audiences “in certain parts of the country”—which is exactly what we’d expect from the movie’s perennially whiney Bobby.

Here’s the truth: bigotry is not to blame for the failure of Bros. In fact, most Americans don’t care whom you sleep with (or marry!) and have seen complex, three-dimensional gay characters on their screens for years, from Milk to Moonlight.

So what explains Eichner’s meltdown?

Hopefully this leads to Eichner changing careers.