Just Right: Navigate Being Too Gay or Not Gay Enough

GayNrd Editors October 31, 2022

In the latest issue of Men’s Health, Sex columnist Zachary Zane and therapist Anita Astley advise a man who’s insecure about being perceived as “too gay” or “not gay enough.”

Men’s Health:

I’m Zachary Zane, a sex writer, author, and ethical boyslut (a fancy way of saying I sleep with a lot of people, and I’m very, very open about it). Over the years, I’ve had my fair share of sexual experiences, dating and sleeping with hundreds of people of all genders and orientations. In doing so, I’ve learned a thing or two about navigating issues in the bedroom (and a bunch of other places, TBH). I’m here to answer your most pressing sex questions with thorough, actionable advice that isn’t just “communicate with your partner” because you know that already. Ask me anything—literally, anything—and I will gladly Sexplain It. To submit a question for a future column, fill out this form.
This is an edited and condensed transcription from last week’s “Sexplain It Live,” which was recorded on Men’s Health’s Instagram. I was joined by psychotherapist Anita Astley, M.ED., LMFT author of Unf*ck Your Life and Relationships: How Lessons from My Life Can Help You Build Healthy Relationships from the Inside Out.
How do you navigate and deal with feelings of queer inadequacy, like you aren’t gay enough or you’re too gay?
AA: I think that has to go back to your own sense of sexuality. You have to be comfortable where you are in your gayness, if that’s correct to say. You have to accept it, embrace it, and share it with others—people that don’t give a fuck. But I know, in terms of working with gay men, that there is a sense of where do I fit in—in this journey—in my sexuality. And that’s a function of age. How old are you? How many experiences have you had? How comfortable are you? Are you out as gay with your family, friends, and support group? Because I think if you nurture that type of support group and are comfortable with your sexuality, then that’s what you’re gonna bring to a relationship. And who cares what other people think? You’ve gotta be comfortable in your own process, in your own journey.
ZZ: One thing I thought was interesting in his question: It wasn’t am I too gay or not gay enough; it was both. And there’s something to be said about that. But first of all, what does that even mean? Does that mean you watch too much Rupaul’s Drag Race or not enough Rupaul’s Drag Race?