50% of All Gay Men Are Single, Why Can’t We Successfully Date?
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A recent Pew Research Study estimates that in the US, around 47% of LGB adults are single, compared with just 29% of straight adults. That essentially means 1 in 2 LGB adults are single in the United States.
It’s a stat that doesn’t surprise some of us, but years after legalizing same-sex marriage and other rights, why can’t we successfully date?
The biggest takeaway from the study is that half of all adults say that dating has become harder in the last ten years.
With more ways to date than ever that seems dumbfounding. Everything from Grindr to old standbys like OK Cupid would seem to suggest that it should be easier than ever. But the fact is dating sites and apps actually preclude successful relationships. Combined with the emergence and impact social media has made on our lives, navigating relationships has more obstacles than ever.
They are an anathema to how human relationships form.
Grindr, intentionally or not, leverages a psychological concept called variable ratio reinforcement, in which rewards for clicking come at unpredictable intervals. You may find a hookup immediately, or you may be on your phone for hours before you find one.
Variable ratio reinforcement is one of the most effective ways to reinforce behavior, and it makes stopping that behavior extremely difficult. Slot machines are a classic example. Because gamblers never know when the next payout will come, they can’t stop pulling the handle. They hold out hope that the next pull will give them the pleasurable sound of coins clanking against a metal bin, and they end up pulling for hours.
Now imagine a slot machine that rewards you with an orgasm at unpredictable intervals. This is potentially a powerful recipe for addiction and may explain why one user I spoke with stays on Grindr for up to 10 hours at a time, hoping to find the perfect partner for casual sex.
The phrase “addiction” continues to be controversial when it comes to sex and technology, But as John Pachankis, an LGBTQ mental health expert at the Yale School of Public Health, described the impact of Grindr to me: “I don’t know if it’s an ‘addiction,’ but I know it causes a lot of distress.”
Using Grindr may keep men from finding lasting relationships
Why do so many of these men turn to Grindr to begin with? Perhaps Grindr’s popularity is a sign we haven’t made as much social progress as we think for same-sex relationships. The general population seems comfortable with the idea of gay marriage, but it’s still difficult for a gay man to find a partner.
One 23-year-old user told me that the only places he can find gay men are clubs and Grindr, and both are hypersexualized. The cultures of both intimidate him. According to Pachankis, gay culture is often “status-focused, competitive, hierarchical, and exclusionary.” He explains that these traits are common among men generally, but in the gay community, they become amplified in a group that “both socializes and sexualizes together.”
The 23-year-old is afraid of rejection, and Grindr shields him from the pain of in-person turndowns. “My framework now is sex first. I don’t know how to date people in person.”
His relationships, he says, start with casual sex on Grindr. They first meet at 2 am for a hookup. He’ll try to schedule the next sex date a little earlier, maybe 11 pm. Then the next step may be drinks.
But this sex-first approach hasn’t led to lasting relationships for the men I interviewed and is affecting their self-worth and identity. “My self-esteem now is all about my sexual ability,” the 23-year-old said. “I don’t feel confident about myself as a partner in any other way.”
Another user told me he downloaded the app hoping to find a husband. Now he says that when he and a boyfriend (he’s gone through several) fight, his natural response is to open Grindr to “find an alternative” instead of working through problems. He can’t maintain a monogamous relationship because he is constantly cheating.
As a recent column in Philadelphia Weekly points out:
Growing up gay/queer is traumatic in a number of ways, even in pro-LGBT countries. It’s not surprising that most of us are dragging around a tonne’s worth of baggage from our past and present experiences.
We didn’t all grow up with Heartstopper and Drag Race.
Photo by Max Harlynking on Unsplash
