For Those Seeking Safety from Domestic Abuse as We Celebrate Gay Pride
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Timothy McLemore is an LGBT relationship champion and author of, Love Is Not Abuse, and on a mission to create a safe haven and dedicated support system for the forgotten members of the community. While Pride Month in June is dedicated to the uplifting and celebrating our voices, culture and rights, McLemore says there is still a lot of work that needs to be done, especially when it comes to the issues of homelessness and domestic violence.
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His book, Love Is Not Abuse, out now, is his own personal account of feeling trapped in relationship abuse cycles and his triumph in breaking away from emotional and physical harm.
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McLemore provides a roadmap of hope to fellow queer individuals looking for a way out of controlling and abusive relationships. For the past decade McLemore has built an audience around his Gays With Stories Instagram page that has upwards of 125,000 followers and features narratives of loving gay relationships. According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV), fewer than 5% of LGBTQ+ domestic violence victims ever seek protective orders from the court.
To offset this statistic, McLemore has recently established Essential Haus, a 501c3 non-profit organization that provides a safe place for individuals in the LGBTQ+ community who have been affected by domestic violence and homelessness. He identifies those that are most at risk (Trans, Black, Bisexual, and people on public assistance); four barriers for seeking help (including: outing, gender stereotypes, imperfect legal protections and fear of social impact); and three actions to take if individuals are in an abusive relationship (tell someone, find resources and file a restraining order).
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The LGBT community is often met with ineffective and victimizing legal responses to domestic violence. In fact, 45% of victims do not report the violence they experience to police because they believe it will not help them. Additionally, members of the LGBT community may be denied assistance and domestic violence services as a result of homophobia, transphobia and biphobia. McLemore provides compassionate awareness on this important topic to make effective changes for us.
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GayNrd interviewed McLemore via email.
Why do we face such startlingly high domestic abuse numbers? I think that a lot of us in the gay community are “hopeful romantics.” And things tend to move very quickly. I always say that one year in a gay relationship is like five years in a heterosexual one. While this can be exciting, it can also be a major red flag. Additionally, while, certainly anyone can be at risk for domestic violence, there are specific groups of LGBTQ+ people who are at the highest risk for intimate partner violence, such as Trans, Black, Bisexual and individuals who do not have financial resources. Gender stereotypes are a big problem for the LGBTQ+ community in that there is often a lack of belief when an abuser isn’t of the demographic that most assume victims are generally a part of. A person who is being abused can rightfully be very worried that they won’t be believed as the victim in an intimate partner violence situation, especially if they do not fit the physical description of one. In fact, nearly half of all LGBTQ+ victims do not report the violence they experience to police because they believe it will not help them.
How does dealing with LGBT population differ from heteronormative ones around this issue? As queer individuals, we don’t have many relationship standards to look up to. Heteronormative relationships tend to have “gender roles” and other stipulations that may not work well in LGBTQ+ relationships so it doesn’t feel like a genuine form of representation. From my experience, queer couples are more open minded in regards to how we build relationships and start our foundations. Far from cookie cutter.
Heteronormative domestic violence is already an uncomfortable subject itself, but queer relationship domestic violence is a subject that is not spoken of enough. We see all sorts of movies, TV shows and media depicting the perfect heterosexual relationship. The hurdles they face and the families they build. There’s a lack of healthy queer love representation. LGBTQ love stories help bring insight and normalcy to society. They give the examples we need.
What approaches work? First, if you see something, say something. And this goes for everyone. If you notice your friend is not acting like him or herself, call it out, because the more someone hears that the relationship does not look normal, the quicker they will start to question the abusive behaviors. At the same time you are establishing yourself as a resource for them when they are ready to get out. If you are the person in the abusive relationship, start by simply establishing other friendships outside your abusive relationship. Having friends to talk to will help you hear for yourself how bad the abuse is and this is the starting point for getting out. An abusive partner will try to isolate you and keep you from having other, outside friendships that could influence your perception on the relationship. This, of course, is another major red flag. It’s very important to seek out resources. Although it can be hard to find, try to find resources specifically in the LGBTQ+ community. I personally had difficulty finding resources when I was trying to get out of my abusive relationship, which is why I started a nonprofit called Essential Haus where we will provide a safe place and resources for individuals in the LGBTQ+ community who have been affected by domestic violence and homelessness. Finally, do not hesitate to contact your local authorities and even seek a protective order if the abuse gets out of hand. Many people in abusive relationships hesitate to do this because many times they truly love their partner and do not want to get him or her in trouble, but not having the abuse documented on an official police record will negatively affect your case later when you do decide to leave. Legally proving abuse can be very difficult without showing official documentation that it happened and that’s where local authorities can be very helpful. It’s also important for your own safety.
Why do you call it the dark side of pride? While Pride Month in June is dedicated to the uplifting and celebrating LGBTQ+ voices, culture and rights, there is still a lot of work that needs to be done, especially when it comes to the issues of homelessness and domestic violence. I think it’s important to continue to share our struggles with others — we still have so far to go.
For more tips and to be part of the Essential Haus community, or for details on his book, Love Is Not Abuse, connect with him directly on Instagram @essentiallytim or through his Essential Haus Facebook and Essential Haus Instagram pages.
Tim McLemore is the founder of Essential Haus, a non-profit organization in Miami, Florida, that provides a safe place for individuals in the LGBTQ+ community who have been affected by domestic violence and homelessness. A community organizer, social media influencer — his mission is to bring awareness to LGBTQ+ relationship issues, and provide a safe space for anyone living a truth not widely accepted by mainstream society. His dedication to the LGBTQ+ community is inspired by his own struggles of growing up biracial and gay.
Connect on with him on social media:
Facebook:
https://www.facebook.com/essentiallytim
Instagram:
https://www.instagram.com/essentialhauss/
https://www.instagram.com/essentiallytim/
https://www.instagram.com/gayswithstories/
